I got a hug when I left brunch from one of the hostesses. She said, “are you a hugging person?” YES I AM.
All the hugs I have gotten in the last month have been from people at restaurants. Last night at my favorite restaurant, I wasn’t even sitting at the bar, but both came over to say hi and hug me. I usually get a hug from each when I go in, sometimes two!
It makes me happy.
What I’ve learned from that bad date the most is how much I’ve grown in having hardline judgements. The way he railed into religion, how severely he rolled his eyes about the Netflix and Choose Your Own Adventure trademark lawsuit, his judgement about the male colleague who collects unicorns. I’m not a perfect person. I get judgey too - but way less so in that angry, hard way.
Like with the religion. It isn’t for me. If it is something that affects or harms others, then yes, I have a problem with it. But people believing something that guides their own life, whatever, it doesn’t affect me. I can respect other people’s choices without judgement. And he doesn’t seem to be able to exist in doing that.
The ability to slowly have let go of a lot of shit that DOESN’T ACTUALLY AFFECT me and just let other people live their own life is a great development. There’s too much stuff going on in my own life to hold on desperately to those hardline, anger fueled judgements. What baggage.
Although yeah I still hate how some people chew their sandwiches. I’m really not sure why that annoys me so much but it doessss.
We went out for another date and I tried to keep an open mind. But no. He seemed uncomfortable at the beginning, and I kept looking at him trying to feel the good date vibes and just feeling not attracted to him… he is attractive but just not to me? and I brought up the dress I was wearing, that he requested, because I wanted to get the flirty vibes going and it failed.
I picked my seat because every veteran I have ever went on a date with or hung out as friends as requested to be in view of the door. I brought it up and he kind of laid into people who do that. Which seemed rough.
In the middle of eating he mentions how he went into someone’s office (I think a scientist?) who had a bunch of pink unicorns in his office. He said it with such disdain and judgement. I thought at first he said he collected uniforms, not unicorns. And I asked why he thought it was weird. Like yes, it is an unusual thing to collect and display… but eh it is harmless. And it could have another source, like maybe it was the favorite thing of his daughter who died. But even if the guy just really likes unicorns, whatever. Lots of people have stuff in their offices. Half of the men I know who work in tech have figurines from video games. And my date says he has nothing in his office. Nothing? Really? Like I find that weirder. I get why people do that. I’m just a nester. Does he collect anything? And then he sort of yells at me, not too loudly, but enough, and says “SORRY I BROUGHT IT UP AND YOU THINK IM A TERRIBLE PERSON.”
So. Yeah. Date technically ended there, but we kept it going through dessert. He seemed to not want to talk and I made more conversation with our server, a bartendar, and a chef cause it was so awkward.
When we set up the first date, the conversation he tried to make, he escalated easily. I interpreted it as him being fucked over in the past and trying to anticipate problems and address potential misunderstandings (the topics were him owning guns but believing in gun control, being a veteran but a liberal).
He was supposed to come over for a board game after dinner, but I no longer felt great about it. So, i brought it up on the street outside the restaurant and so now we’re fighting and he keeps putting words in my mouth. And I keep saying, I didn’t say that. Like I told him he seemed angry when he kinda yelled at my during dinner and he repeated what I said but added that I thought he was a miserable shitty person. I said angry. And when I repeated that and told him it did make me feel uncomfortable, that I felt unsafe, he acted like I was being ludicrous. So, I walked away.
He called my too analytical and judgemental. Am I? Maybe? I’ve been called analytical by another man, but both times it was when I was observing behavior and inquiring about red flags.
I go out multiple times a week for drinks and food. I read at a bar and make small talk with whoever is there. And tonight I thought i made two friends. It was good conversation… but it went nowhere. Both left without goodbyes. No one asked for my number. I’ve met some people previously, got their number and invited them out but they keep cancelling. I’m trying. But failing. Why can’t I do this? Why does no one seem to want to be my friend?
Then after dinner I went to another restaurant and got dessert. But no one I know was there. I usually only go on Fridays. And it wasn’t fun there without the other people. I went home feeling so sad.
I slept for 9 hours and 54 minutes last time. I still feel exhausted. Periods sucks.
I went on a date on Saturday. And he’s excited. And I’m really not? Like he seems nice. I’ve made plans for a second. I enjoyed my time, I did. But I like first dates that feel like they could be my last first date.
That’s how it felt with Chris. Even though he’s awful. I think that’s how it felt with Shawn. I want to be super excited.
He is texting me every day. And I’m annoyed. And I hate that, because I *like* getting texted daily. And finally I’m not the one doing it! But I’m irritated! What the fuck is wrong with me?
“When life sucks, throw yourself into art.”
— Monica Drake, Clown Girl
(via books-n-quotes)
(Source: booksnquotes.com, via mrsexsmith)
I went to my first class of four swing dance classes. I’ve been looking forward to this for so long. It was the first month I was here every single Monday and I could go since last March!
But when I got there… it was so crowded. It must be extra people for new year resolutions to learn to dance. There was more people than could reasonably fit in the space. The instructor wasn’t communicating at all, but music was playing and people were like warming up… but this is the first one and I don’t know what to do and I’m standing there awkwardly, and anxious, so anxious in a way I haven’t felt in months, because I don’t know what to do, there are too many people, people keep blocking me. And then a man reaches to touch my back.
I jumped back. It startled me. And when I’m anxious, I hatehatehate the touch of strangers. I just needed to know what was happening - i’ve taken other classes before and this was the least communicative. I jumped back and probably made a face. And then the man just responds with, “okay, psycho.”
Psycho.
I felt like I wanted to cry. This thing I had been so excited by now was just a small room of feeling shitty. Since people aren’t coming all in pairs, these classes teach with rotating partners. At one point I’d have to dance with him. No way in hell. So, I left. I asked for a refund, was given it.
And then the night got a bit more weird.
I called an old friend from college that had replied to my post saying I was going to swing dance lessons, we had recently had a phone call before Christmas. He liked me back then, I didn’t know, I dated his friend, and we got a bit intimate in later years when I visited. I stopped talking to him in 2016 when I moved back, so broke, and asked if I could stay at his place (he has a 3 bedroom house off Three Oaks) for a month while I looked for a place. He said he wasn’t looking for roommates. I wasn’t trying to be one? Just needed some time to look for something permanent I could afford.
Anyways. During the call tonight, he asked me if I would ever move back. There. Where he lives. It wasn’t just a random question. He danced around it on and off for hours. Was I applying for jobs in Florida? Would I visit him? I think we would have had a chance in 2016 when I moved back. When things ended with Alex and I was still there, before I quit my job. There’s this man with a house who is kind and wants to get married… but it is too late. I want a life here. And why does this happen? Why do people always speak up years too late?
I hate this date, how I am still a haunted walking calendar. But I am happy I don’t have an 8 year old.